


Broken as The Rib Under My Skin

by Sassy_Dinosaur



Series: My Name is Blue [9]
Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Bully Beth, Caring Daryl, Caring Merle, Depression, Gen, Hallucinations, Hurt Blue, Implied Past Child Molestation, Injury Recovery in Progress, Major Character Injury, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Worried Merle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-13
Updated: 2015-07-22
Packaged: 2018-04-09 05:41:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4336070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sassy_Dinosaur/pseuds/Sassy_Dinosaur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Daryl raises his voice, “Wha’do ya’ mean Carl’s n’t outta get Blue. He’s been outta get ‘er from day one!” The curtain moves and I lay back down, pretending to be asleep. With his voice low again I can't hear them.</p><p> </p><p> <br/>- READ NOTES</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is set almost directly after 'I Screamed For You Till My Voice Was Gone' from Blue's POV
> 
> !!!Triggers for Child abuse and Child molestation (They're just mentioned, but Please be careful)!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When I open my eyes, Tanya’s gone. “NO! COME BACK!” I scream, sadness flooding the scream, my voice still hoarse from last night in the watch tower. It’s Alabama all over again. She’s gone and there’s nothing I can do about it, she’s... just... gone.

My head is pounding in time with my heart beat as I open my eye’s. Wait. Why am I looking at the top bunks bottom and not the ceiling? Suddenly Beth’s growling voice invites itself into my head, “This is what we do to infected!” It plays on a loop for what feels like hours; then Carl hissing “This’ll teach ya’ to listen”. Everything catches up to me so fast it makes me dizzy, but that might be more me sitting up too fast.

 

I hoped I'd never feel a cracked rib again.

 

My face is sore. I press the back of my hand to my cheek; swollen. Wow, sitting up that fast was a bad idea, but laying down will hurt even more because of the rib.

 

Pain runs through my whole body, ending back at my pinky; probably broken, making me whimper. I look down at the offending, slightly odd-angled finger to see it’s blue and purple. The throbbing in my head is now being completely ignored due to the pain stemming from my finger.

 

Tears well up in my eyes, but I push them back. Save them for a time when they’re needed, Blue. I jump at the sound of a pot being dropped in the prisons kitchen area. 

 

I was getting better at not jumping all the time.

 

It feels like I’ve been paralyzed, I can’t breathe, it’s too hot. I try to breathe, but I can’t. I try to scream, but I can’t. All I can think is _‘Get to Daryl! Get to Merle!’_ so I try.

 

One foot off the bunk, two feet, okay I’m good… Nope, I stand and almost immediately I'm falling to the prisons concrete floors, making me groan in pain. I’m staring at the floor below with rage in my eyes that could scare Merle on the best of days.

 

This rage is from day one when Rick disrespected me, he thought I was a lost kid. But no, I’m just a girl with the world against her. It’s from all the times Carl or Beth talk down to me like I’m some little kid, not the seventeen-year-old I am. I’m three years older than both of them! 

 

This rage is from having to kill Tanya, watching her turn into one of those walkers on the other side of the fence. Not dying with her like I wanted to. Not turning with her. 

 

This rage… it’s from my father; all the times he’d beat me, and touch me. Not fighting back like I should have. I I tried to fight back against Carl and Beth last night. I could’ve fought back all those years ago when it was just my dad.

 

A sob escapes. Great, I’m crying on the floor like a baby. A hurt, worthless, weak, infected baby!

 

I look down at the scar on my forearm. It’s ugly, just a reminder of who I lost, and how I couldn’t save the one person that mattered. I couldn’t save Tanya. I couldn’t just be dead!

 

I scream in my head, I feel a hand on my shoulder; I can’t hold back the scream that erupts from my throat. Tanya has her hand on my shoulder and is here- No! She’s dead, I shot her! I couldn’t save her!

 

Tanya’s voice is smooth and sweet like honey as she speaks “Angel, you can’t do this to yourself. My death wasn't your fault, I was bitten. There was nothing we could do, it’s a miracle I didn’t bleed out first. You did nothing wrong, Angel, I asked you to kill me when I turned”

 

“But you didn’t turn, I shot you!” I cry; just to mention killing her makes me sick to my stomach. “I killed you,” I whisper through a choked off sob. The hand on my shoulder cups my cheek, I lean into the touch.

 

“I asked you to do that,” I stare into her beautiful apple green eyes “Why?” it comes out of my mouth just above a whisper. She looks down at the blue ring on my finger, lifting my hand and bringing it to eye level, “Because I loved you.” my vision becomes blurry with tears, I close my eyes tight; trying to keep the tears on the inside.

 

When I open my eyes, Tanya’s gone. “NO! COME BACK!” I scream, my voice still hoarse from last night in the watch tower. It’s the “Welcome to Georgia” sign all over again. She’s gone and there’s nothing I can do about it. 

 

She’s... just... gone.

 

With my back propped up against the bunk bed, I try to stand up with no success. I finally allow myself to look at my legs, what I see explains why I can’t stand. My knee is swollen, the kneecap doesn't look quite right. Though, my right heel is covered in black and blue. It's probably broken. In my post-hallucination stupidity, I touch the heel, immediately screaming in pain.

 

Another pot is dropped in the kitchen area, causing me to jump again and jostle the knee. It hurts so bad. I'd forgotten about the broken pinky up until this point. While putting pressure on the knee and trying to not move my pinky finger I try to find my voice. Though, Daryl and Carol are standing in my cells doorway; both look out of breath.

 

“Blue! Blue, ya’ okay?” He asks me, but looks down to my heel “Oh my God!” Daryl turns to Carol. “Get Hershel” she nods quickly, running off to fetch Hershel. In the distance, I heard Carol say somethin’ about a cell, but before I can question it too much Merle appears in the doorway looking confused and worried. The look doesn’t suit him, I think in my head; making me laugh out loud. The laughter turns into a painful groan as I feel my chest rise and fall, moving a broken rib.

 

I’m seriously going to have to kick Beth and Carl’s ass for this.

 

Daryl and Merle look at me with expectancy in their eyes, had they said something?

 

“What?”

 

Merle looks me in the eye while crouching down to sit on the floor with Daryl and I “Ya’ okay?” Tears well up in my eye as I try to find an answer. I shake my head, my hair hitting the sides of my face; when did that come undone? Almost frantically, I tie my hair in a ponytail.

 

Only a few in this prison get the privilege of seeing me with my hair down. Granted Daryl and Merle are two of the few, but Rick might come in. He is most definitely not one of the privileged. The tears spill over when I think of Rick, mentally connecting him to Carl; rage bubbling up inside again.

 

Carol walks in, interrupting my harsh thoughts. Hershel behind her. I manage a small smile, but it quickly fades when I see a familiar blonde ponytail. Merle must’ve seen it too cause I can see his shoulders visibly tense. I put a reassuring hand on one of his tense shoulders, feeling the muscle relax under my hand. I give him a small smile, this one lasting longer.

 

The world starts to go black around the edges. Not again! The last thing I see before the world goes black is Merle’s frightened face.


	2. Chilopodophobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I SHOULDN’T HAVE LOOKED!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chilopodophobia is the fear of centipedes

My eyes open with great difficulty; when they do fully open, the room is dark. I’m on Merle’s bunk again, a blanket in a heap at the edge.

 

I hear voices in the distance; from the commons room. The voices are hushed behind the sheet door; everything slowly coming into focus. No one is in the cell with me; but I can see two pairs and one single foot stand outside. Three men; Daryl’s tell-tail boots and hole-filled jeans, Rick’s sheriff boots, and Hershel’s single leg.

 

Daryl raises his voice, “Wha’do ya’ mean Carl’s not outta get, Blue? He’s been outta get ‘er from day one!” The curtain moves and I lay back down, pretending to be asleep. With his voice low again I can't hear them.

 

Beside me I notice a water bottle and a protein bar; probably left there by Merle. I can’t help the smile that appears on my lips and travels up to my eyes. I probably scared the shit out of him when I fainted.

 

All of a sudden I feel something touch my foot, then crawl onto my ankle; I’m frozen in place. The… whatever it is- keeps crawling, making it to my shin before I look down to see what it is. I SHOULDN’T HAVE LOOKED! There’s a Centipede crawling up my leg!

 

Without thinking of the pain I’ll be in, I scream and struggle off the bed; all the while flailing my legs trying to detach the centipede from my leg. 

 

I fall to the floor with a painful scream. I land on my right shoulder. The centipede is still on my leg! Still flailing my legs, I back myself into a corner of the cell; sitting on top of a mattress on the floor. Screams and sobs start to blend together as I watch the centipede crawl onto my injured knee.

 

I feel the crawling beast cease it’s crawling; Daryl now in front of me, holding the monster. My stomach flips when I get to see just how big the… thing is. Bile rises in my throat, and Daryl must’ve seen it in my face ‘cause he’s holding a bin out to me. After I throw up Daryl’s at my side, no longer holding the centipede.

 

“Ya’ okay?” He asks while handing me the water bottle and protein bar I’d forgotten about. I can’t help it, my body starts shaking; what I think is going to be sobs quickly turns out to be giggles. The giggles turn into full on laughter. Evidently confusing the hell out of Daryl. I try to answer his question, but the words turn into jumbled syllables and noises. 

 

“Blue?” he asks again, confusion written all over his face. I hum a ‘what’ and continue to laugh quietly. Daryl continues to stare at me until I stop laughing.

 

“What the hell just happened?” I look up to his eyes before looking below the sheet door; yep, Rick and Hershel are still there. I can also see a small, yet giant, centipede crawl back into the cell; probably to terrorize me again. A strangled noise comes out of my throat, and I jump into Daryl's lap; wrapping myself around him.

 

His face is covered in confusion, “What’s wrong?” his voice coming out concerned, surprised, and confused.

 

“CENTIPEDE!” I squeal into his shoulder. Without a word, Daryl gently pulls me off of him and walks over to the bug. the bug is quickly smash under his shoe, and a grin creeps onto my face. 

 

“Thank you”

 

I don’t remember much about what happened after he sat back down. What I do remember is explaining to Daryl, that Chilopodophobia is the fear of centipedes and that I have a severe case of it. I explained that it normally stems from past trauma. Which led us to me telling him about my dad terrorizing me with centipedes for fun. A low growl came from Daryl when I told him about the time my dad forced me to eat three centipedes as punishment for getting a bad grade on a test.

 

Daryl sat there with me listening and I had stopped caring if Rick and Hershel heard me, that was just two less times I’d have to tell this "sob story".

 

Just in time for all of us to go to sleep, Merle walks in looking pissed. Most of it fading away when he see’s me awake. 

 

“Can ya’ help me?” I yawn while pointing to the top bunk, he nods and helps me up; but doesn’t put me on the top bunk. He gently lays me on the bottom bunk, his bunk, and begins to climb to the top bunk. I look to Daryl for an answer, anything really. Daryl just shrugs and lays down on the ratty floor mattress.

 

Before I fall asleep I roll onto my back, looking at the bottom of the top bunk; thinking about how lucky I am to have two people in my life that care about me. That is how I fall asleep; thinking about Merle and Daryl Dixon.


	3. A Soul That Bleeds Like My Knuckles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrenaline pumps through my veins as I stand up, swinging at the vision my mind portrays of my father; the drunk off his ass, abusive bastard. My fists go through the hallucinations face, connecting with the concrete wall behind him. He disappears when I feel the pain stemming from my hand, not just my pinky; but the whole hand, especially my knuckles. A bad, yet amazing, feeling filled my stomach when I felt the pain from my bloody knuckles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI! Sorry it's been so long since I updated this... this is what I got. There will be one more chapter then all my attention is going to 'How the Governor Pissed off Two Dixon's at Once'.
> 
> Hope you enjoy this... TRIGGER WARNINGS for self harm though

I’m pulled out of a peaceful nap by a harsh voice. A voice I’ve heard many times. This voice ruined my childhood. 

 

It yells at me, telling me to wake up and listen. I don’t want to listen; I’d listened enough in the past.

 

“Get your ass up, girl!” My father yells at me making me flinch. Rationally I know he’s not here. Also rationally, I never saw him die. He could have survived and made it to Georgia just like I did.

 

Slowly I get off Merle’s bunk, having to stop before I can stand; my heel keeping me on the bed.

 

“I thought I told ya’ to get up, little girl!” I cringe at his ‘ _nickname_ ’ for me. He’d use it when he was angry, or just bored and wanted to start a fight.

 

I literally can’t stand up due to the heel, every time I’ve tried I end up on my knees crying out in pain. The hallucination of my father yells and screams ugly words at me, trying to get me upset.

 

Why does my mind hate me so much that it would picture him? A stray tear rolls down my cheek from frustration. The hallucination mocks me, calling me ‘ _Cry baby_ ’ and ‘ _Bitch_ ’. His voice is loud enough to make me jump.

 

I don’t know how much time has passed or how many names I’ve been called, but I can’t take it anymore!

 

“I’VE HAD ENOUGH!” I yell. I can’t listen to my father try to put me down when he’s not here. Not anymore. I let him walk all over me and hit me when I was younger; not knowing what else to do. Now I’m older, more mature and I can fight back with a chance of winning.

 

Adrenaline pumps through my veins as I stand up, swinging at the vision of my father. The drunk off his ass, abusive bastard. My fists go through the hallucinations face, connecting with the concrete wall behind him. He disappears when I feel the pain stemming from my hand. Not just my pinky; but the whole hand, especially my knuckles. A bad, yet amazing feeling filled my stomach and flows through my veins when I felt the pain from my red knuckles.

 

The pain felt good, it reminded me I was alive. It made the hallucinations disappear.

 

Now sitting in front of the concrete wall, legs crossed in front of me. I drag my right hand's knuckles on the textured wall, hissing at the momentary pain. Then the amazing feeling runs through my veins again. 

 

After awhile I can’t feel the drag or the pain, just numbness. Blood runs down from my knuckles; dripping off to the floor.

 

With my eyes closed I continue to drag my knuckles up and down the prisons concrete walls. My left thumb fidgeting with the ring on my ring finger, it’s almost therapeutic. I feel dizzy, but don’t dare open my eyes. I don’t want to see all the blood on my hands. I don't want to see the damage I caused.

 

I drag my knuckles up and down the wall, no longer able to feel anything but the blood dripping from my fist. Dizziness gets the best of me and I have to rest my head against the wall to keeps from falling over or passing out. I force myself to get it together, using the wall to stand on two feet. I don’t care about the injured knee anymore, I just want to get out of this cell.

 

I don’t know how I made it to my feet or how I even started walking right away, but I did somehow. No voices come from the commons room, I guess it’s around early evening. Possibly just after lunch.

 

The sheet door falls back into place behind me. No one's in the commons room. 

 

Suddenly, the room is too big and the table is too far away. Everything's warped.

 

The room is spinning and getting darker. Am I fainting again? The floor gets closer, and closer, to my face. 

 

I hit the floor, but the world doesn't go completely black yet. Merle's running towards me, his mouth moving, but no words are processed. The only thing I can hear is a loud ringing. I finally hear “Blue!”, but it sounds muffled and distorted.

 

Merle looks down to my hands, he sees the bloody mess they are. I can’t decide wether to laugh or cry when he turns my wrists over, looking for cuts, but sees the bloods coming from my knuckles. I focus on staying awake, putting all my energy into keeping my eye lids open. I don’t want to pass out again.

 

Guilt wells up in my gut as I realize just how scary this must be for Merle, Daryl, Hell even Carol, everytime something happens to me. I would be scared out of my mind if something like this happened to them.

 

“Damn, your burnin’ up,” Merle says with a uncharacteristically shaky voice, that’s all I hear before my vision go black, again the last thing I see is Merle with a frightened look on his face.


	4. Arachnophobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If it saves your dignity, I’ll say I pushed you off the bed then you killed the spider with your shoe. We both chuckle, but know it’ll end up being the story we tell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, but here AND... I swear Merle isn't flirting with or SPOONING Blue. It's all sibling-like platonic!
> 
> %%%%TO THE one PERSON THAT SUBSCRIBED TO THIS WORK PLEASE READ END NOTES!!!%%%%

I wake up to mumbling, the voice is deep and raspy. It’s Merle.

 

“What were ya’ thinkin’, Blue?” He sounds exhausted “Nearly killed ya’self… ”

 

My eyes flutter open, just barely open, Merle notices and is at my side before I can say his name. With my eyes fully open I can see I’m in our cell, on the bottom bunk. The light is dimmed, but the room’s not dark. Just sort of an orangey purple.

 

Merle looks me straight in the eye, “What the hell were ya’ thinkin’?” It’s a whisper, but I can hear the worry and pain in his voice in his hushed tone. Probably to keep from scaring me. I can honestly say I wasn’t trying to kill myself when I was dragging my knuckles on the cells wall. It was just nice to feel something other than pain flowing through my system. 

 

It kept the hallucination of my father away.

 

I look over to Merle. I want to explain myself and apologize for the fear he must have felt when I came out of the cell covered in my own blood.

 

Words won’t seem to come, just tears. They stream down my face as I sit up to be eye level with Merle. They continue to come when I hug Merle, trying desperately to express all the emotions I have trapped inside. While at the same time, expressing how guilty I feel for scaring the people I care about.

 

“Blue?” Merle asks quietly, I hum a hoarse hum in reply.

 

“Ya’ scared of spiders?” He asks just as quietly, but now slowly pulling him and myself off the bottom bunk.

 

Spiders give me the creeps, I’m not as scared of them as I am centipedes. Though, if I see a spider I’m running for the hills and having someone else kill it for me while I hide.

 

“Sorta” I croak out, wincing slightly at how sore my throat still is, “Why?” I add in quickly; beginning to panic.

 

“Nothin’ major, jus’ a big ass spider behind ya’ is all…” I know he’s trying to joke, but I can hear the fear underneath his humor; he’s scared of spiders too.

 

“Then get me off this bed!” I demand. It’s not like he’s going to let me walk any time soon. Almost comically, Merle and I are tumbling onto the prisons unforgiving, concrete floor with a thud. I would have laughed, but the pain in my pinky flared when I hit the floor.

 

Almost immediately Merle and I are laughing our asses off. I can’t tell if it’s because of the almost cartoony sound Merle made when he landed on his back, or because from any other perspective, this situation would be awkward.

 

After we catch our breath Merle chuckled out “Ya’ gonna kill the som' bitch or am I gonna lose all my dignity doin’ it?” he is trying to cover up fear with humor again.

 

“I’ll do it… you gotta shoe?” I ask while sitting up on the floor. From here I can see the spider crawling on the wall. 

 

Something nudges my elbow slightly. I look over to see Merle holding one of his shoes out to me. A totally manly pout on his face. I take the shoe from him and proceed to climb back onto the bunk beds lower bunk, while still staying as far from the spider as possible.

 

I grip the shoe with my, non-dominant, hand to keep from jarring my broken pinky. The spider moves and I jump; hitting my head on the wall behind me with a hiss. 

 

Merle asks if I’m alright, I hum in reply trying to lock onto the spider. When the spider stops moving I swing the shoe until it connects with the wall; squashing the spider. A sigh of relief comes from Merle and he settles back onto the hard floor.

 

“If it saves your dignity, I’ll say I pushed you off the bed then you killed the spider with your shoe,” We both chuckle, but I know it’ll end up being a story we never tell.

 

For a while we sit in silence, he’s sitting with his back against the far wall; on the mattress. I’m sitting on the bottom bunk with my knee and heel propped up on a pillow.

 

The silence is broken by Merle.

 

“Blue…” I can tell he doesn’t know what to say. He has questions but doesn’t know how to ask them.

 

“You wanna know why I…” I pause for a moment, taking this moment to look down at my butchered knuckles “... why I did this? Why I caused myself pain when I was in enough pain already?” He nods. I sigh an audible sigh before I continue.

 

“I did this... because it felt good… I didn’t feel numb from shock and the anger I felt melted away… It felt so good, like nothing mattered, like the world wasn’t shit outside these walls.” I have to stop myself from getting stuck in my head “I’m sorry... for scaring you. I thought I was gonna bleed out, and I didn’t want to die; I had to find help. Then I passed out… and I… “ I trail off.

 

“I understand,” Is all Merle said when I trail off

 

I drag myself off the bunk bed to the mattress in the corner where Merle sits silently. Just as silently I sit next to him. Wrapping my arms around his midsection and hugging him. We just sit there as the cell becomes too dark to see in.

 

Slowly, I feel myself falling asleep. Exhausted from days of emotional torture and hallucinations. Beside me still wrapped in my arms, Merle sits upright, awake. I’m making an effort to stay awake until Daryl gets to the cell, I have a feeling he’s gonna be late.

 

Just as I’m about to give into sleep Daryl walks in. He grunts a tired ‘hi’ to both of us and floppily climbs the ladder to the top bunk. Flopping face first onto the top bunk's mattress while sleep slurring out good nights and falling asleep almost instantly.

 

After he’s asleep I can’t keep myself awake and can’t seem to care that I’m falling asleep on the floor. Merle tries to get me to the bunk bed, but I'm not having any of that I want cuddles and dammit I’m gonna get cuddles!

 

I, finally, fall asleep to cuddling one of my my giant, brotherly, personal teddy bears. Not even the pain running throughout my entire body can ruin this moment for me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed this chapter and the rest of the series...
> 
>  
> 
> %%%% Dear Person that subscribed to this fan-fiction,  
> I just want to say thank you so much for subscribing, It means a lot to me. "Roar!"
> 
> From  
> Sassy Dinosaur

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically Blue recovering from ‘I Screamed Your Names Till My Voice Was Gone’. Thank you for reading this, I appreciate it so much!


End file.
